I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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