well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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