the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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