I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
