I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
