my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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