i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
