dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
