he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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