Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
