I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
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Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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