Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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