see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my being single is dangerous.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
