omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
