the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
