He asked to "fluff my boner.."
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
