Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
