so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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