i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
