I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
