When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
