farters have to be the big spoon...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
