i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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