God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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