My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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