I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
