Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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