I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
