one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
