I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
