Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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