He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
