my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
