Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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