if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Randomize