He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize