Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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