I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
