from now on my penis is your penis
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
