is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
