That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
