and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
