I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I AM VODKA MAN
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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