The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
