my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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