This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
