Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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