Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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