Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My feet surprised me
Randomize