He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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