I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
