I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
