I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i believe in u and ur pee
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
