I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
